If you’re not in the mood sexually and you partner is, how do you two handle that moment?
For many couples, this moment can feel anxiety provoking and rejecting. If you’ve ever felt rejected by your partner or you feel anxious sharing with your partner that you’re not in the mood, you’re not alone.
In episode 30 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson explore a powerful concept they call the “soft no.” This nuanced approach helps couples stay connected even when sexual desire doesn’t align in the moment. They offer practical insights into how to talk about sex without triggering shame, defensiveness, or disconnection.
This is an important topic as Dr. John Gottman says,
Finding a way to handle the “no” is critical to the success of the relationship.
Why Saying “No” Feels So Personal
Initiating sex can be deeply vulnerable. It’s not just about desire—it’s about the longing to feel chosen, wanted, and emotionally close. So when a partner declines, it’s common to interpret their “no” as a rejection of you. Clinicians note that for many high desire partners, sexual rejection can feel like the ultimate rejection of their worth and desirability—sometimes worse than major career setbacks. For low desire-partners saying no can come with guilt and shame.
As Kyle explains in the episode, this often leads to a shame response:
“Am I unattractive? Unlovable? Not enough?”
This emotional spiral can shut down curiosity and block connection. Over time, this dynamic can reduce nonsexual physical affection, increase emotional distance, and fuel conflict—all of which undermine sexual intimacy.
In secure, connected relationships, a “no” to sex is met with understanding and care if one partner isn’t in the mood. But in disconnected relationships, a refusal can create even more distance and escalate conflict.
When couples don’t know how to talk about sex securely including how to say not now, these moments create emotional distance.
Redefining Rejection: The Power of the Soft No
Kim and Kyle introduce the concept of the soft no as a way to protect both partners’ hearts while preserving emotional connection.
A soft no is not a rejection of the person—it’s a boundary around a specific act. And it includes an invitation to connect in a different way.
Instead of saying, “No, I don’t want to have sex,” a soft no might sound like:
- “I’m not feeling up for sex right now, but I’d love to cuddle with you.”
- “I don’t have the energy for intimacy, but can we hold hands and watch something together, I love being close to you?”
This small shift communicates: “I still care about you. I still want to connect. Just not in the way you proposed right now.”
The result? The initiating partner still feels wanted, and the partner setting a boundary still feels respected.
Appreciation First, Then Curiosity
One of the most powerful strategies for improving how we talk about sex is to start with appreciation rather than criticism.
Kim encourages couples to notice and name the small things that make them feel connected:
- “I love when you greet me at the door.”
- “That kiss earlier made me feel really close to you.”
- “I feel safe when we hold hands.”
These affirmations reinforce emotional connection which is at the heart of a great sex life. And when you are making positive comments about the way your partner connects with you, it becomes easier to accept the no since there have already been many moments of successful closeness and connection.
From there, shift into curiosity.
Instead of assuming you know what your partner is thinking, try asking:
- “What helps you feel most connected to me?”
- “Is there anything you’re wanting more of right to feel closer?”
- “What’s your favorite way to be touched?”
These questions open a dialogue rather than a debate. They encourage both partners to explore what feels good and what gets in the way of intimacy.
Not Knowing Is Normal
One of the most disarming and relatable moments of the episode is when Kim says:
“It’s okay not to know what you want sexually.”
This statement is a gift for anyone who’s ever felt unsure about their desires, uninterested in sex, or confused about how to express what they need.
Many people weren’t taught how to talk about sex, let alone explore what they enjoy. Whether due to shame, cultural messaging, past trauma, or just lack of experience, not knowing is more common than you think.
And it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you—or your relationship. It just means there’s more to discover, together. Learn more about how to do this here.
Negotiation Is a Skill of Secure Relationships
The final key takeaway from the episode is that negotiation is essential for secure connection. When desire levels differ (which they often do), couples must learn how to collaborate rather than compete.
That’s where the soft no becomes a powerful tool. It invites both partners to co-create a shared experience that honors both boundaries and connection.
Some examples might include:
- Taking a walk together instead of having sex, which may or may not lead to sexual connection latter
- Spending time cuddling or massaging each other
- Talking about fantasies or preferences to spark curiosity for the future times of intimacy
These are all forms of intimacy. That’s why Kyle often encourages couples to create an erotic playground where there are lots of ways to connect sexually besides penetrative sex. And when practiced regularly, they help build a foundation where both partners feel seen, respected, and emotionally safe.
Final Reflection
By practicing appreciation, embracing curiosity, and negotiating with soft nos, couples can navigate moments of misaligned desire with more grace and less shame.
In the end, sex isn’t just about physical acts—it’s about how we relate, how we feel seen, and how we stay connected even when things don’t go as planned.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript for Episode 30: How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Isn’t in the Mood
Welcome to The Road Map to Secure Love. In today’s episode, Kim and Kyle discuss how to talk about boring sex in a way that invites exploration—rather than shame and withdrawal. Let’s dive in.
Kim:
Oh Kyle, what do we do when sex becomes boring? We’ve had so many clients come into our office and say,
“We just do the same old things. It’s boring and transactional. I get them off, they get me off, we roll over and go to sleep.”
How do we have that conversation without creating a rupture—without making our partner feel insecure about how they’re showing up in the bedroom?
Kyle:
The first thing we don’t want to do is use the “compliment sandwich.” You know the one—start with something positive, drop in the criticism, and then end with another compliment. Like:
“I love you. Our sex is good. Here’s what I love about it… but it’s boring.”
That method doesn’t work. Even outside the bedroom, if your partner knows a negative is coming, they tune out the positive. You’ve primed them to expect criticism, and that makes it harder for them to actually hear what you’re trying to say.
What we help our clients understand is the deeper attachment longing underneath the desire for more playfulness and exploration in the bedroom.
Kim:
Exactly. When it comes to talking about changes in your sex life, skip the compliment sandwich. Instead, focus on what it emotionally means to you.
Kyle:
Right. And to be clear—we’re not saying you should go to your partner and bluntly say,
“Sex is boring.”
That’s likely to create a rupture too. It’s a tricky conversation because you’re trying to create positive change without damaging connection. That’s the goal of this episode: how to have that conversation in a way that keeps both partners emotionally engaged.
Kim:
Even for people who are sex-positive, sex is deeply vulnerable. It’s never like the movies. You’re not just getting physically naked—you’re getting emotionally naked too.
Kyle:
And that’s what we’re inviting you into: How can you be emotionally vulnerable in a way that invites your partner to explore and connect with you?
Kim:
Let’s give an example of what not to do. A compliment sandwich might sound like:
“You’re so great. I love that you say yes when I ask for sex… but you never go down on me, even though I’ve asked. But I really appreciate our time together.”
Your partner is going to latch onto the part where you say they never go down on you. That’s the only part they’ll remember, and it won’t inspire change.
Kyle:
So instead, speak with vulnerability. Focus less on what they’re not doing and more on what the experience would mean to you.
Ask yourself:
“What does it mean to me if I get to explore this part of our connection?”
“What would it feel like to go on an erotic adventure together?”
For many, it’s about feeling close, being life partners who get to discover new things together.
Kim:
Exactly. It’s like saying,
“I love being close to you. I love having sex with you. I want us to try new things because the idea of exploring with you excites me. I want to feel that closeness in every part of our relationship.”
That lands very differently than, “Sex is boring.”
Kyle:
And still, we hear from clients:
“But if I say that, they’ll think I’m saying they’re not good enough.”
That response is tied to culture, family of origin, trauma—how we learned about sex. That insecurity is real, and it’s going to come up.
Kim:
So when your partner says,
“What do you mean? I thought we were already close enough…”
Stay with your emotional truth. Reassure them:
“Yes, it’s good. And I’d love for us to explore even more together.”
Frame it as an adventure, not a critique. You’re not saying the current sex is bad—you’re saying you want more with them.
Kyle:
It’s like saying,
“There’s no one else in the world I want to do this with—just you.”
Kim:
So both partners have a role. The one bringing it up needs to get in touch with their emotional longing and articulate it. The listener needs to quiet the internal voices that say, “I’m not enough,” and instead hear the heart behind the message.
Kyle:
That’s the trap: if your partner wants to improve something, it doesn’t mean they think you’re bad. But that’s often how it’s interpreted. And when that happens, connection gets lost, and people start to think, “Well, every time I bring this up, it backfires. So why bother?”
Kim:
Exactly. So much pressure and shame surrounds intimacy. That noise can cause us to miss the actual message—our partner just wants to explore and connect with us.
Kyle:
And when we work with clients who are dealing with shame or shutdown, their bodies aren’t open to erotic exploration. They’re stuck in the shame.
Kim:
So if your partner brings this to you, can you really make space for their heart? Can you see that this is an invitation to grow closer—not a critique?
And let’s normalize something:
Sometimes sex is mundane.
It’s a Wednesday night, the kids just went to bed, you’ve got your socks on, and that’s what it is.
Kyle:
And that’s okay! The problem comes when it’s always like that. Year after year, day after day. That’s when we start to feel stuck. Wanting to feel more alive, to reconnect, is a valid emotional longing.
Kim:
Not every sexual encounter has to be off the charts. That pressure is toxic. Sometimes, it’s just “nice,” and that needs to be okay too.
Kyle:
If mundane sex feels safe, then both partners are more emotionally available when the opportunity for deep connection arises.
Research on extraordinary sex—by Peggy Kleinplatz, for example—shows that what makes great sex isn’t technique. It’s emotional presence.
Kim:
Exactly. What makes great sex is security.
When you can say,
“I want to be closer to you sexually,”
and your partner is secure enough to hear that as love, not criticism—that’s a foundation for great sex.
Kyle:
Emily Nagoski talks about this in her book Come Together—great sex is low-stakes.
Bad sex is high-stakes.
“If I don’t perform, I’ll lose the relationship.”
That’s not a recipe for connection. That’s fear-based, not curiosity-based.
Kim:
And that’s why we want you to talk about boring sex—not just to fix something, but to deepen emotional intimacy. When your partner hears,
“I want this with you,”
that builds secure connection.
Kyle:
And from that secure foundation, you can explore new ideas together. Try things. Discover what works and what doesn’t. And even when something flops, you still feel connected.
So if you’re stuck in boring, transactional sex—skip the compliment sandwich. Don’t say:
“Sex is good, but I want more, but I love you.”
Instead:
- The speaker needs to get vulnerable.
- The listener needs to tune in to their partner’s heart, not their insecurities.
- And both of you need to stay connected in the process.
Kim:
That’s it. That’s the work.
Kyle:
Next episode, we’ll talk about what to do if your partner isn’t open to that exploration—how to handle it when something gets in the way. But for now, focus on connecting with the deeper attachment meaning behind your desire for different sex.
Kim:
And just a heads-up: even when you do all this right, you may still get pushback. That’s normal. And we’ll help you navigate that next time.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. Why does it feel so personal when my partner says no to sex?
Saying no to sex can feel like a rejection of you, not just the act. That’s because initiating intimacy is deeply vulnerable—often rooted in a desire to feel loved, wanted, and close. When a partner declines, it can trigger feelings of shame or inadequacy unless both people understand the difference between physical readiness and emotional connection.
2. What is a “soft no” in a relationship?
A soft no is a way to decline sex without disconnecting emotionally. It sets a clear boundary while still offering a form of closeness—like cuddling, talking, or spending time together. It helps preserve connection and signals, “I still want you, just not this activity right now.”
3. How can I respond when my partner turns down sex without feeling rejected?
Try to interpret the “no” as situational, not personal. Remind yourself that emotional and physical readiness aren’t always aligned. If your partner offers a soft no (e.g., a hug or cuddle), lean into that connection instead of withdrawing.
4. What should I say if I’m not in the mood for sex but still want to be close?
Use gentle, affirming language like:
- “I’m not up for sex right now, but I’d love to cuddle.”
- “I need some rest, but let’s hold hands while we watch something.”
- These alternatives maintain emotional intimacy without crossing your boundaries.
5. How can couples talk about sex without shame or tension?
Start with appreciation. Acknowledge what you love about your partner and the connection you already share. Then, shift into curiosity by asking open-ended questions about their needs, preferences, and comfort levels.
6. What if I don’t know what I want sexually?
That’s totally normal. Many people weren’t taught to explore or articulate their desires. Uncertainty is not a flaw—it’s an opportunity to learn and grow together. Give yourself (and your partner) permission to not have all the answers.
7. Can emotional connection exist without sex?
Absolutely. Emotional connection can be nurtured through physical affection, meaningful conversations, shared activities, and expressions of appreciation. Sex is just one of many ways to feel close—it’s not the only one.
8. How can mismatched sexual desire be handled in a healthy way?
Through negotiation, not pressure. Respect each other’s boundaries, communicate openly, and seek mutual forms of connection. The soft no is one tool that allows couples to stay emotionally bonded even when desire levels don’t match.
9. Why is appreciation so important in intimate conversations?
Appreciation builds emotional safety and trust. When partners feel seen and valued, they’re more open to discussing vulnerable topics like sex. Leading with gratitude makes space for connection, even during tough conversations.
10. Where can I learn more about these practices?
You can follow Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You can also enroll in their Secure Attachment Path course, linked in the show notes, to explore your attachment style and learn tools for building secure, connected relationships.
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